Hope Lost?

Today I am sad, I am angry, I am upset, and I am feeling a little bit hopeless.

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a teacher.  When I did my student teaching, I KNEW teaching was perfect for me.  Teaching makes me happy, I honestly feel like it is what I was born to do.

And while I don't want to whine and complain and feel sorry for myself, I am just so FRUSTRATED right now. 

We had "teaching meetings" today, and I was hoping to get some good news about my job for next year.  And while I didn't get the worst news (aka: "No job for you next year") it isn't what I would call good...by a long shot. 

To be a full time teacher at my school you must be considered 12/12.  (I am currently 4/12).  Next year my position will become 11/12.  Sounds great right?  Nearly full time!  However, it is looking quite likely that this 11/12 will in fact become a FULL time.  What's wrong with that you ask?

As soon as my position becomes full time, it will be opened to district employees, and potentially outside candidates.  I heard a rumor today that there are some Middle School teachers chomping at the bit to get into the high school.  Not good for me.  If the position is opened to outside candidates, I would have to go through the interview process (again) and could potentially face off against someone with more experience (and frankly more talent).  Again, not good for me.

I'm trying not to be dramatic, but in the pit of my stomach I just don't have a good feeling.

I want to teach!  More than anything!  Why is it so hard for me to just get/keep a job?

It is so unbelievably depressing to think about going back to subbing.  No matter what anyone says, it makes me feel like a failure.

It hurts to feel that way about  yourself.  Very much so.  And hurts to potentially not be able to do something you love. 

I've been praying for two years now to get a full time job.  I keep hoping beyond hope that something will work out for me.  But when, WHEN will it be my time?

I'm keeping my fingers tightly crossed.  But after two years of failure, I think mine may be broken.

Girl Crush

I do realize I've been doing everything BUT "Blogging On" as of late.  Life for me recently has been a medley of end-of-the-year school stuff, end-of-the-season soccer stuff, deciding where Kyle and I should move to this summer, and worrying about still not getting any official word over my job for next year.  I have been busy, that is for sure.

Moving on to more important things.  Because I've been so busy lately, I've sadly not been able to watch the TODAY show very often.  This makes me upset for two reasons:
1. It's a quality program.  News, fluff, and great hosts all in hours upon hours of television = perfection!
2. It features my girl crush.

Who is she, you ask?

It's Ann Curry!!

I mean seriously, what is not to love about this woman?  She is smart, beautiful, and oh so caring.  Have you ever seen her interview someone?  Or report from a war-zone?  Or look deep into the eyes of a grieving child and let them know life will get better?  Or trade jokes with Mr. Roker?  It doesn't matter what she does, it's always quality, and it's always touching.  SHE GETS IT. 

And she is my girl crush.  And don't judge me.  And that is all.